In the air between San Francisco and Narita

posted in: Not Glitchy | 2

In the air between San Francisco and Narita
2017 10 05 or 06, depending on where the date line is. The map says it’s 12:30 PM below us in Honolulu. We are still in the 5th.

Trying a short bit of writing to see if I can concentrate and stay away from “travel sickness” while looking at text. So far do good.

There’s a cute couple next to me. About my age, obviously been together a long time. They did crosswords together for an hour or so. He read the clues, asked her what she thought, answered his own questions, and wrote it down. She seemed perfectly happy and added ideas when she had them. Somewhere in there, he got uncomfortable and she rubbed his back. They did an eyebrow waggle that meant it was time to dislodge from the seats and try for a bathroom break. I saw it and went too. I have a window seat.

They have totally inappropriate senses of humor and their irreverent banter felt a lot like family. It was she, and not I, who first dropped the f-bomb in casual conversation. This was also a jolly switch.

I can’t say jealous. I don’t want to disrupt what they have or take anything. But the ease and comfort of a persistent companion is appealing. Of course anybody who can’t be bothered with dogs, a cyclical artistic personality, watching a partner disappear to write a book – or paint – or go to Japan – or stomp through the woods – or have a burst of cleaning of cleaning and reorganizing – or sleep late… …probably can’t be bothered with me.

Point is, I’m alone because I want to be alone. I have interesting stuff to do, and as much as I would like to share my life and feel good about human company, I really don’t want to give up my autonomy, my free time, my undivided attention on art, my crazy ideas, or my unmitigated decision making power over my own life.

I’ve made a ton of progress working independently that I never made while mitigating my plans for a partner’s advice or assistance.

But this sweet happy pair next to me flying off to Japan together feels like a bus I watched pass my stop a bit sadly, even though I know my route is a different number.

2 Responses

  1. Lachlan

    I get this. I used to think less of my Godfather for choosing autonomy, as if it were a handicap. Well, actually, it is. So is partnership, lol. I finally know myself enough to know that I need to pay the price of daily — sometimes h0urly — compromise, because partnership is a life necessity for me. And I understand that that’s different for others. Society is wrong to suggest that someone is living less of a life if they live alone.

  2. Dawn Weiss

    I am grateful for having a long time relationship, yet at the same time I find I have a deep longing for more alone time than I get.

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